Chapter 4 of 4
Disagreeing Well
Separate the claim from the person, and say what would change your mind.
6 min read
Attack the claim, name the person kindly
"I think that argument has a gap" is a different sentence from "I think you are wrong", even though they can describe the same disagreement. The first invites a reply about the argument. The second invites a defence of the self.
The three-part structure
- State what you agree with, honestly and specifically. Not a formality — it locates the actual disagreement.
- Name the exact point of departure. One point, not five.
- Say what would change your mind. "If the numbers held for the older group too, I would drop the objection."
Step three is the mark of someone worth arguing with, and it is nearly always skipped.
When you are the one who was wrong
Say so plainly and briefly: "You are right, I had that backwards." No performance of contrition. People remember that you conceded cleanly, and it buys you enormous credibility the next time you hold your ground.
Know when to stop
If the disagreement has repeated twice with no new information, it will not resolve by repeating a third time. "Let us leave that open" ends it without either side losing.
Practice exercises
0 of 3 complete1.Which step is most often skipped?
2.You realise mid-argument that you were wrong. Best move?
3.Take a disagreement you are currently in. Write it in three parts: what you agree with, the exact point of departure, and what would change your mind.